Hail Zetsu
by kangaradical
Summary: ever wonder what wacky adventures zetsu gets into when no one's around? twist ending!
1. Plant Jesus

Zetsu was a god. Not the traditional sort of god, but the absolute fucking powerful titan-ass kicking better-than-Zeus level god.

And unlike the traditional gods, no one recognized his glory. To the mortals, he was nothing more than talking aloe vera with legs. To the nonbelievers, he was another Akatsuki punk. But he was so much more; Zetsu had a whole artillery of badassery contained within only his pinky toe - ironically, he has no pinky toes. From his silver tongue to his almighty strength to his anatomically disproportionate snuggle snake, Zetsu was overall an overpowered beast. Despite this, the godly plantkin practically reveled in the power of no one knowing his true strength. He felt invigorated at how unbelievably underestimated he was when he materialized in a Friday night Akatsuki lovefest. He felt omnipotent over them.

With the exception of the special few, they were all mortal ants in his path. He was their true ruler, and soon they would know his wrath.

"Hey, Zetsu sama-chan." A gruff voice snapped the almighty being from his routine plotting.

"Eh?" Zetsu lazily looked up to his kawaii Akatsuki master. "What is it, my hunky man muffin?"

Tobi's eyes narrowed beneath his smooth, detailed mask. Zetsu wanted to lick that mask. He wanted to lick it so hard.

"You don't seem like yourself, senpai no danna chan sama desu. What's on your noodle, champ?" Tobi asked with his deep, intimidating voice. The things Zetsu would do to that voice.

"Oooooh, just thinking about how people still don't get along with each other because of racism. Like, if you think about it half of me is black and the other half is white - that's a big deal, right? If I were to get pulled over for speeding in Alabama...would I get shot? Would I get paid a couple hundred dollars? What's the deal with that noise, I mean...What a mess. I'm sorta worried."

Tobi listened intently, nodding to affirm his attention to the talking venus flytrap. "Hm, right that's pretty cool hey I'm gonna go talk to Deidara-sensaisamachancantunafishsandwich. Later."

Zetsu watched the tight ass rotate beneath Tobi's cloak as he strode off to harass the blonde babe sucking face with a piece of wood. Some aggravated screams later, Zetsu lost interest and returned to his silent pondering.

A god. They should be worshipping him. But it's best they weren't...No, he had greater plans for these fools. When the next Friday night Akatsuki assfest rolled around, his plans would be in place and all would grow to understand a mere sample of Zetsu's worth. In a week, he would blossom.

It was friday morning, a week had passed and everything was going according to plan. The plantkin morphed in his usual location - the shaded corner between the restrooms and the water cooler. From there he could see the fine honnies waltzing from their ritual bowel releases, and hear the sweet thangs talk about erotic weather while filling their dixie cups with something sexy. His eyes floundered toward his evening prey: Hidan. He would be the first to know the true power of a god. None of this Joshua baloney, but an all powerful tootsie roll that required adoring followers. He needed to have his anus opened to the light of the plant lord.

"Hitler," Zetsu said softly from behind the hunkalicious heathen.

"SHIT FUCK WHAT" Hidan yelped and jumped in his drooping diaper cloak. He hadn't realized Zetsu materialized beneath him...the response gave the plant child a rush. _Yes scream,_ Zetsu thought through a quivering grin. _Scream my name, heathen._

"Do you know where we keep the stapler…?"

Hidan shifted uncomfortably before scratching his head. "Gee, I...Hm, where _do_ we keep the fucking stapler? Do we even fucking have a fucking stapler?"

"Maybe you could ask Joshua-"

"Jashin." Hidan corrected, letting the mistake slide because god DAMN that weed was just the cutest thing.

"Maybe you could ask Jonah where the stapler is." Zetsu blinked his one eye, the other golden orb glaring darkly into Hidan's chest. He was counting the chest hairs. He would be ripping those chest hairs out. He wanted to devour those chest hairs.

Hidan's face lit up excitedly, "Wow what a motherfucking good idea!" He turned to the huge ass accountant standing next to him with a hateful presence, he grinned widely. "Hey cock kazoo, move your tight ass up to our sex dungeon and get my motherfucking scythe, would ya?" He paused, soon adding "It should be in that one shitty box labelled CUNT CRUSHER."

"Of course money-I mean, uh...Of course honey." Kakuzu fell on his face and began to roll out of the hall, loose change littering the floor as he went. He was really good with money, that appealed to Zetsu. Zetsu wanted to drop that zombie on a pile of coins Scrooge McDuck style and give him a good Scrooge McFuck.

Moments later, Kakuzu returned with Hidan's Trademarked Weapon™ and set it gingerly at the greaser's feet with his mouth before standing up and returning to counting his money. He really liked money.

"Aw, shit, thanks fuckwad for this fucking favor." Hidan bent over, just enough for Zetsu to see down his cloak. It disgusted Zetsu. It took everything for him to avoid heaving chunks of plant babies all over the coin-stained floor. How dare Hidan wear anything other than the uniform VS Angel panties. "Now I just need some fucking chalk...DAMN, why don't I ever have and MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FUCK CUNT SMASHING PENIS LICKING chalk?" He tapped his chin thoughtfully before turning to Kakuzu.

The accountant paid no attention this time. He had just realized half his pocket change was on the floor. He began to cry strong, silent tears.

"Allow me," a smooth voice rolled into the conversation. Zetsu's eyes drifted up the curvy figure of a bodacious blonde. The goldenrod locks flowing beyond a tightly wound ponytail swirled with every movement the explosively unpredictable sex machine made. "Here," Deidara smiled and extended his hand. The mouth Deidara glued onto his palm began to gag and choke and make the most unflattering noises from the depths of its unknown pits. His whole arm convulsed with the mouth's struggle to cough up whatever was lodged in its assumedly throat - no one was certain what the hell was going on past the teeth of that thing - and at that point, the whole assfest crowd stopped conversing to curiously examine whatever was making the grotesque sounds. For five whole minutes the terrorist organization sat in silence, waiting for the crazy-glued hand appendage to dislodge its trouble. Five god damn minutes of AHAUGHK and KLAUGHCK and HNNNNGLAH.

Zetsu was impressed by the palm's stamina.

Finally, the fucked up jutsu tongue released a thin sliver of pink chalk. "It's colored after Sasori's hair," Deidara winked at the puppet on his arm.

"Oh, Darling Deidara...You know just how to flatter a man. Not to mention how handsome and artistic you are and how only you could ever properly do justice to true art. True art is, after all, and explosion! Your penis is very large." Deidara's shitty ventriloquism flowed out of the hunk of wood's mouth as he used his arm to prop up the 2 foot tall puppet and make its head move to his words.

Zetsu watched the display with intrigue, considering how well Deidara and Sasori's chemistry was. He imagined the connection they would have in the bedroom...He wondered if one more plant would interfere with their fluidity. "It appears we have all the ingredients to find the stapler," the plantkin said calmly while breaking a faint smile.

Hidan had stepped three paces away from the young terrorist beside him, both confused and aroused at the extended display. "Well fuck, yeah let's find this motherfucking stapler!" He pumped his fist into the air, accidentally knocking Kakuzu off his feet and into the coin pile below him. Kakuzu's stifled cries became gross sobbing as he rolled in the memories of finances past.

After a few hours of preparation, Hidan waddled into the circle and took off his pants. Zetsu watched intensely, admiring the thick tanline revealing a hand on his left buttcheek. But the plant was suddenly reminded of the gross display of undergarments that he so despised when he acknowledged the VS Angel knockoffs Hidan was wearing. _How dare he._

"JASHIN, HEY MOTHERFUCKER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU AT? MY FUCKING HOMIE PLANT MAN HERE NEEDS THE FUCKING STAPLER, IDK WHY DON'T ASK ME I DIDN'T THINK TO FUCKING AS SO SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND JUST LISTEN: JASHIN, MAN, I FUCKING WANT TO HELP OUT THIS LITTLE FUCKSNOT MOTHERFUCKER. HE'S LIKE A FUCKING DAISY, GET WHAT I'M SAYIN? SO WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING STAPLER YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF RELIGIOUS TRASH, Amen."

Suddenly, a loud ruckus shot through the ceiling. An object falling as though it had just reentered the Earth's atmosphere buried itself inside of Hidan's skull. The impact alone send vibrations throughout his body, shaking loose his buttplug and shattering his toe rings. He tried to pick up the pieces of his skull that had exploded, but he slipped on his own brains and toppled into the sobbing Kakuzu. This made an already sensitive zombie even more upset as he realized they would have to pay for repairs. Kakuzu sobbed, Hidan gargled blood, and the Akatsuki assfest was put on hold once again.

"Zonbi Conbi? More like Zondom Condom, right Itachi? Itachi?" The massive shark furry standing by the jukebox turned to his partner for affirmation. "Itachi?"

A very sad and very stoic and very dark and handsome man who was casually bobbing his head to the beat of Ke$ha's 'Blow' only grunted to silence his companion. This was his jam, Kisame would not ruin his favorite song with his shitty puns.

Kisame turned to look forward once again. Itachi was always doing this to him. Their relationship was in shambles. He shed a single tear.

Zetsu leaned over the pile of gay immortals with a curious gleam in his eye. The commotion had dislodged the attention of Pain and Konan, who were previously entangled with one another's company in a bathroom stall. Pain didn't bother pulling up his pants, so as he waddled out of the restroom with the blue beauty on his arm, all of the Akatsuki could see his itty bitty peen. He was proud of his peen. He was only twelve years old, it was supposed to be tiny. But it was also a resilient peen, and would soon be as big as his arm. _They'll see, they'll all see._

But they didn't see, because it was after all a very tiny peen.

"WhAt is the meaning of this hulabaloo?" Pain's voice cracked, "I was balls deep in this bodacious babe and suddenly the house is in shambles! You guys, my mom won't let me invite anyone else over if she finds out you're wrecking the place!" He began to whine. Konan gently pat his head. He still had no pants on.

"Pain-chanwambamthankyoumamsamasenpai" Tobi emerged from the shadows. Sasuke was on a leash behind him, but no one cared. Sasuke wasn't a member of the Akatsuki, he wasn't cool enough, so Tobi resorted to making him a dog. Sasuke made a good dog, except for when he became a sniffling piece of shit who didn't understand a thing about loyalty or kindness or even the basic courtesy of _possibly_ taking someone else's advice and staying true to the path laid out before him. "It's ok," Tobi began to spit sweet nothings at Pain to prevent his half naked temper tantrum.

With the three of them engulfed in diffusing the Pain bomb, Deidara and his puppet fuckbuddy off slurping faces, Kisame and Itachi attending a couple's counseling appointment, and Kakuzu dry heaving sobs into his bloodied pile of coins; no one acknowledged their god reaching into Hidan's demolished skull. No one saw the plant lord tenderly staple his neck beard leaves together, encasing himself in a cocoon of vegetables. No one noticed the minutes of incubation that passed before a sliver of light cracked through the venus flytrap vagina lips. No one would underestimate him any longer.

While he reveled in their ignorance...While he fed on their low expectations...Zetsu was expanding both soul and schlong. He had waited _so long_ to reach this moment - the moment Hidan's death would unlock his true potential. It was in this moment that the OfficeMax staples snapped from their green homes and the cocoon burst open with a blinding light. Every eye in the room turned to embrace the ultimate revelation; the grand finale. Their one true lord and savior who would free them from the shackles of virginity and heteronormativity...They witnessed Zetsu crawl from the ashes of his former self, and emerge in a state far more glorious than any could have expected.

"Zetsu….hime…" Tobi gasped, his mask cracking at the sheer force of his own arousal.

"Zetsu...more like...Betsu didn't see that one coming...right...Itachi?" Kisame's mouth was agape as he let the pun slip from behind his sharp teeth. Itachi got a boner right then and there. Their relationship was saved.

"Sasori no danna...Are you seeing this?" Deidara asked his partner hoarsely. "No, fucknuts, I'm a piece of wood." He said to himself in a high pitched tone.

When the light faded and Zetsu stood before them again, everyone bowed. He had gotten a huge boner and it was like the biggest anyone in the Akatsuki had ever gotten. Way beyond average - like, maybe 9 inches or something. It was a great accomplishment, well done.

Praise Zetsu our lord and savior with a killer erection, amen.


	2. Zetsu's Dream

Over a year had passed since the glorious blossoming of the plant jesus. His praise was coming in groves now, with daily sacrifices of caprese salads and cabbage thongs, Friday evening masses where people did nothing by dry grind against his portrait, and the occasional invitation to A-list celebrity parties. Just last week Zetsu had attended Adam Sandler's 50th consecutive Bat Mitzvah, but somehow the plant overlord seemed...incomplete.

Zetsu's boner was still going strong, for nearly 14 months he was inconveniently knocking things over with his never-flaccid love muscle and the entire Akatsuki organization was growing rather irritated with the 9" shaft of dreams. On countless occasions, when they actually mustered up the courage to comment on their frustrations - meaning they would put Sasuke and his fuck pals up to the task - Zetsu waved their complaints off with a swing of his schlong. "Even if I wanted to, this power bestowed upon me by the universe itself cannot be tamed," he would say while patting his penis like a dog.

Funnily enough, Zetsu and Kisame actually attempted to pair Samehada with the monochromatic tubesock stuffer, but the chakra eating mutt would have none of it. "It's probably just offput by the size of it," Kisame shrugged and allowed Samehada to crawl back into his ass for safe keeping. This made Zetsu rather disappointed.

Surely there was something more to his almighty essence than a 14 month long erection...The feeling of being incomplete soon returned and he silently left the Assfest home of operations.

"What's wrong with him?" Itachi asked dryly, copping a feel of Kisame's tight buns.

"His heart is hollow, but his johnson is swollen." Kisame sighed while looking after the bummed salad with sympathetic eyes before turning to embrace his bird lover between gross sobs.

Patting Kisame's ass comfortingly, Itachi shed a single tear. "Damn…" he whispered, then proceeding to fist his partner solemnly.

Zetsu walked past the masses of adoring fans waiting outside the Asscave to meet him and stopped before them, taking in the squealing and camera flashes zoomed in on his ultrapowered dong. He dragged his golden eyes across each face, hatefully envying their enlightened purpose in life. _They love me,_ he thought, _I am the reason they wake up in the morning_. With this, he straightened his posture and dusted off his massive neckbeard leaves. _I will show them the true meaning of a false God._

"An **erection** (clinically: **penile erection** or **penile tumescence** ) is a physiological phenomenon in which the penis becomes firmer, engorged and enlarged. Penile erection is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, and is often associated with sexual arousal or sexual attraction, although erections can also be spontaneous. The shape, angle and direction of an erection varies considerably in humans.

Physiologically, erection is triggered by the parasympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system (ANS), causing nitric oxide (a vasodilator) levels to rise in the trabecular arteries andsmooth muscle of the penis. The arteries dilate causing the corpora cavernosa of the penis (and to a lesser extent the corpora spongiosum) to fill with blood; simultaneously theischiocavernosus and bulbospongiosus muscles compress the veins of the corpora cavernosa restricting the egress and circulation of this blood. Erection subsides when parasympathetic activity reduces to baseline.

As an autonomic nervous system response, an erection may result from a variety of stimuli, including sexual stimulation and sexual arousal, and is therefore not entirely under conscious control. Erections during sleep or upon waking up are known as nocturnal penile tumescence(NPT). Absence of nocturnal erection is commonly used to distinguish between physical and psychological causes of erectile dysfunction and impotence."

He paused to admire the fading glow in the poparazzi's faces.

"An erection occurs when two tubular structures, called the corpora cavernosa, that run the length of the penis, become engorged with venous blood. This may result from any of various physiological stimuli, also known as sexual stimulation and sexual arousal. The corpus spongiosum is a single tubular structure located just below the corpora cavernosa, which contains the urethra, through which urine andsemen pass during urination and ejaculation respectively. This may also become slightly engorged with blood, but less so than the corpora cavernosa."

Someone in the crowd began to cry, another started to shake with rage and punched the fan nearest to him. With blood pooling out from beneath their head, the fan curled into the fetal position and proceeded to sob lightly.

"At the time of penetration, the canine penis is not erect, and only able to penetrate the female because it includes a narrow bone called the baculum, a feature of most placental mammals. After the male achieves penetration, he will often hold the female tighter and thrust faster, and it is during this time that the male's penis expands. Unlike human sexual intercourse, where the male penis commonly becomes erect before entering the female, canine copulation involves the male first penetrating the female, after which swelling of the penis to erection occurs.[23] An elephant's penis is S-shaped when fully erect and has a Y-shaped orifice.[24] Given the small amount of erectile tissue in a bull's penis, there is little enlargement after erection. The penis is quite rigid when non-erect, and becomes even more rigid during erection. Protrusion is not affected much by erection, but more by relaxation of the retractor penis muscle and straightening of the sigmoid flexure.[25][26] A male fossa's penis reaches to between his forelegs when erect.[27] When not erect, a horse's penis is housed within the prepuce, 50 centimetres (20 in) long and 2.5 to 6 centimetres (0.98 to 2.36 in) in diameter with the distal end 15 to 20 centimetres (5.9 to 7.9 in). The retractor muscle contracts to retract the penis into the sheath and relaxes to allow the penis to extend from the sheath.[28] When erect, the penis doubles in length[29] and thickness and the glans increases by 3 to 4 times.[28] Erection and protrusion take place gradually, by the increasing tumescence of the erectile vascular tissue in the _corpus cavernosum penis_.[30][31] Most stallions achieve erection within 2 minutes of contact with an estrus mare, and mount the estrus mare 5–10 seconds afterward.[32] A bird penis is different in structure from mammal penises, being an erectile expansion of the cloacal wall and being erected by lymph, not blood.[33] The penis of the lake duck can reach about the same length as the animal himself when fully erect, but more commonly is about half the bird's length."

At this point, the entire crowd of hundreds of fans had melted into a blob of self loathing and horrified expressions. They shuddered and crumbled into balls, depending on one another's shoulders or crotches to muffle the grotesque sobbing radiating from their bowels. Some fans took the shock in the form of aggravation and left the mob to join the military to die at the hands of another sexually frustrated shinobi.

With his voice being televised in every home, Zetsu had instigated the world's deterioration into apocalyptic chaos. Looters raided viagra cabinets, thugs beat up impotent 80 year olds, angsty teenagers furiously masturbated to the Grease soundtrack - it had become clear that their god had failed them.

When Zetsu finally returned to the super secret Assfest cave of hideouts, every member was sitting in a circle with their legs criss cross apple sauce style. _Damn,_ he thought. _They know I can't resist a good old fashioned hang out with our wangs out._ "What's the dealio amigos?" Zetsu asked, crossing his legs and exposing his massive erection to match the rest.

Tobi was the first to speak. He rolled over to Zetsu's side and lovingly pulled the plantkin's head to his chest. Stroking his hair lightly, tobi responded "The dealio, Zetsu-samasingaporegalore, is that we are all worried about you." His deep voice was like caramel oozing over Zetsu's ears. Without realizing it, he began to purr.

"It's like, fuck man...You've changed since the motherfucking stapler incident." Hidan shook his head, blinking back tears while screaming literally every word. "IF I HAD KNOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIT RITUAL WOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO YOUR SWEET CRUSTY LEAF CROTCH I WOULD NOT HAVE PERFORMED IT." He couldn't blink back his tears any longer, they began to stream down Hidan's face like rain. Amegakure rain. Konan, who was sitting a few feet away, became aroused. "I JUST WISH MY FUCKING DAISY LOOKING SON OF A PENIS SNIFFER WOULD COME HOME. I MISS THAT LITTLE CABBAGE PATCH ANAL FISTER." He began to sob louder and turned to muffle his face into Kakuzu's exposed crotch. The plushie accountant pat his partner's greased back hair gently, coins slipping from his sleeves and covering Hidan.

"There, there, cash register…" He said softly, blinking back his own tears - not for Zetsu's sake, but for the fact that his coin purse was punctured and his finances were on the floor again. _Why this…_ he thought, and cradled his pottymouthed lover even tighter.

"I don't understand," Zetsu scanned the pal circle after lifting his head from Tobi's breast. "Are you dissatisfied with my rule?" More curiously than angrily, Zetsu shot an aggressive look towards Sasuke who was chained to his dog kennel and playing with an orochimaru action figure. Sasuke looked up, making the mistake of meeting Zetsu's eyes with his own.

"Did you say vengeance-" the sheer force of Zetsu's gaze caused the Uchiha child's eyes to pop with a very faint POOF. It was so quiet, no one had even realized Tobi's pet asshole was now a blind mess of eyeball goop. Sasuke tried to figure out what had happened, but his finger slipped into the empty socket and the panic overtook him, he fainted right then and there. It was naptime for Sausage.

"No, no, of _course_ not Zetsu-samalamadingdong. You know we love you and your almighty all-powerful ascension to the level that permits you to squash us mere mortals with the blink of an eye…!" Tobi scooted closer to his cabbage lover to better gingerly stroke his leaves.

"We just think…" The soft voice of Itachi dribbled into the conversation, "You aren't enjoying it as much as we are."

"Yeah your boner is super cool and all," Kisame added, "but your sex drive is at an all time low. Just look at Tobi! Is that the face of a satisfied man?"

Everyone turned to take in Tobi's expression. There was nothing, it was literally just a mask. No one could see his damn face.

All of the Akatsuki shook their heads mournfully at the sight of their abstinent pal. Zetsu looked at Tobi with a frown. They were right. Where had his sexual advances gone? Where was his promiscuous thoughts and schemes? Where Zetsu would have once stood by the bathrooms to get a peek at the fine honies, he would now stand at the bar like a total asshole _expecting_ the fine honies to expose themselves to him. He had stopped working for the diddles and seemingly avoided them altogether - Zetsu hadn't had a sexual encounter in over a year and even Hidan's shitty knockoff VS Angel panties weren't enough to frustrate him.

Zetsu was incomplete, and now the entire Akatsuki assfest could see it.

"I…" Tears began to roll down Zetsu's monochromatic cheeks and he lowered his head to sob into his massive erection. "I'm so sorry for making you all worry…"

"Hey now," Deidara's smooth voice dripped over Zetsu's shoulder. The artist's hand convulsed and puked up a tissue that was practically soaked with mouth hand innards. Was that...Stomach acid? Did that hand link to Deidara's _stomach_? "Dry those sexy tears, my man."

Sasori, who had only just recently become a real boy, scooted up next to his tall blonde partner to get a better look at what was going on. Deidara acknowledged his presence and held his hand warmly, "Sasori no donut and I are here for you. We're open to a threesome, just say the word." Sasori's face contorted into something repulsive and he looked at Deidara with disgust.

"We didn't discuss this-" He argued under his breath.

Deidara's smile dropped and he turned his head slightly to see Sasori out of the corner of his eye, "Do not bicker with me in front of the company, I swear to god Sasori."

"Then don't make decisions without me, Deidara…!" Sasori's hoarse whispers raised and octave out of frustration.

Deidara winced and grit his teeth, "Snuggle puppet, please, you are making a scene."

"I'm just asking for some leeway here, I'm not ready to expose my fleshiness to other people…"

"It'll be fine, Sassafrass. I'll be right there with you, and he really needs it!"

Sasori pursed his lips, "...ok, I'm ok with it."

"Are you pussIEs done diddling each other's anuses or should we give you a minute?" Pain asked with a cracking voice from across the intervention circle. "I've got a Call of Duty game waiting for me and this dew isn't getting any fresher." Every member was staring at Sasori and Deidara, including George W. Bush who was previously playing with a loose thread on his Akatsuki cloak.

"Silly deidei…" George chuckled, "your gayness is a one way ticket to hell central station. Aheheheheheh"

"WE ARE GETTING OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING TRACK HERE," Hidan yelled through sobs. "THIS SWEET MOTHERFUCKING DAISY NEEDS OUR HELP. KAKUZOOB," he turned to the man silently picking up pennies from the floor, "WE NEED SOME CONDOMS, GO TO THE SEX DUNGE-"

"No," Tobi's voice broke the intervention chaos and he uncrossed his legs. Everyone gasped. "This is something Zetsu-samagrandslamsandwich needs to decide for himself." He looked down at Zetsu. "Sweetcheeks, what is it that you need? What can we do to rid you of this erect burden?"

Zetsu pondered this question. What _would_ cure him of this neverending cycle of unhappiness? After what seemed like 3 days (which it was) of thinking, Zetsu finally came to a conclusion. He looked at each of the Akatsuki members who were now sore as fuck from sitting in the same position for three fucking days without sleep and took a deep breath. "An orgy."

Literally everyone shrugged and figured "yeah sure why not?" and the Akatsuki Assfest was back in business.

Zetsu's erection disappeared after the Friday night fuckfest, and although his godly status faded he was still a happy plant. "I don't need to be a god to satisfy the masses. And I don't need a chubber to be a cool guy."

"That's right, Zetsu-chansamasenpaikun. I love you just the way you are, ken doll and all." Tobi said, lifting his head from the anonymous ass that was sitting on his mask uneventfully.

For once in his life, Zetsu felt happy and complete.

end.


	3. Zetsu Saves Christmas

The TV flickered on aggressively.

" _Hey what's up guys it's me, Kisame Hoshigaki, and this is my crib." Kisame threw up his arm in a welcoming invitation, "Come on in!" The massive shark furry waddled into his literal hole in the wall. He pretended to close a door, but there wasn't a door. It was just a 2x4" hole in Itachi's bedroom wall._

" _Oh man! Looks like we got company," Kisame crabwalked to the far corner of his hovel and straddled Kakuzu with his massive thighs. "This is my pal Kakuzu, say hi buddy."_

 _The accountant shrieked when the clammy fish man's naked body slithered over him, but relaxed as the big blue grubbers began to softly stroke his hair. "O-oh…" He blushed. He was a camera-shy fellow._

 _Kisame chuckled and pulled himself off of the five hearted fart. "He's been crashing here while Hidan fights off the IRS, haha you know how it goes. Anyways, come on the sweet kitchen's this way!" Giving Kakuzu one last pat, Kisame turned to walk a foot across the hole in the wall._

Suddenly a commercial break overtook the television and the Akatsuki organization clapped madly on the couch. Itachi, holding his hot blue boyfriend like a mother would hold a small child, gave the fish a small smooch on his gilled cheek.

"I can't believe I'm dating a real hollywood celebrity," he said in his dry and monotone voice.

Kisame, curled up into a fetal ball, and beamed proudly. "Well, it was _your_ bedroom, Itachi-san."

"Yeah so I want royalties."

"Huh?" An intrigued accountant poked his head out of the hole in Itachi's room, curiously peering into the livingroom where his fellow assfest members were watching Kisame's debut. "Are we talking money?"

Excitement fluttered up into Hidan's ass and his entire body floated from off the hip and totally rad beanbag chair he had accommodated. "KAKUZU YOU DODGEY MOTHERFUCKER WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" he screamed as he scrambled over the couch, stepping on his pals in the process. "YOU WENT FUCKING MISSING MONTHS AGO, WE HAD TO MAKE THESE GOD DAMN POSTERS!" Hidan unrolled a piece of paper with Kakuzu's face crudely drawn beneath the words MISSING FUCKBOY ACCOUNTANT PLEASE CONTACT LOCAL TERRORIST ORGANIZATION, BITCHES.

Peen interjected, "they used up all my fucking crayons, Kakuzu. You owe me another crayola super rainbow pack with the sharpener box." He scratched the single hair on his upper lip, attempting to look manly in front of his bodacious babysitter, Konan.

Before Kakuzu could defend his tender position, Zetsu rose from the floor beneath the accountant's feet and toppled him backwards into the fine china cabinet. His entire body crashed grotesquely and fell like a ragdoll being thrown down several flights of stairs. Pieces of glass and wood chips and splinters burrowed into his stitched skin and replaced the coins he had sewn into his body for safe keeping. They scattered onto the floor, lost to the rubble and mess, and Kakuzu's entire body shuddered at the agony of watching pennies spray around his wounded limbs. His wailing filled the halls of the akatsuki frat house and rattled the framed photos of sad puppies on the walls. Soon blackness overcame his vision and Kakuzu fell limp on the trashed floor.

"What are our plans for Thanksgiving?" Zetsu asked tiredly, already losing interest in whatever had happened in the earlier paragraphs. In fact, he wasn't listening to anything. His mind was preoccupied with the raging boner Deidara was attempting to cover up. Like, holy shit that kid was endowed. Talk about a no reason boner, it was just hangin' out there. Deidara tried to throw a blanket over it but gee-wiz that thing was more resilient than pain's peen! "Like, we didn't do anything last year so...what's the dealio?"

"Yeah because of your stupid erection-sanchan…" Tobi muttered, crossing his arms and positioning himself further into the couch. Kisame quickly unraveled himself and slid out of Itachi's embrace to gently stroke Tobi's mask.

"Hey man," He said softly, leaning in. "Don't be a dick."

Tobi lowered his head apologetically. Kisame was right, he could be a real schlong donger sometimes.

Standing up to shrug dramatically and waddling with a wedgie jammed right up into his crack hella uncomfortably, Tobi approached Zetsu with his hands on his hips. "Sorry for being so salty, my gal pal-chanbanwow, but I think you owe this youth group some sweet cranberry sauce to rub on our turkey nips." His entire mask contorted into a scowl.

"Well yeah that's what I was asking about, are we making it a party or is it just casual dinner-" Zetsu blinked.

"The last time we celebrated Thanksgiving, you knocked everything off the table with your massive erection and proceeded to eat it all yourself." Konan was wiping some pudding stains off of Pain's cheek. "We won't be having a Thanksgiving this year, considering the emotional trauma from last time."

Looking back on his previous shenanigans, the plant realized his homies were correct. Last Thanksgiving, he was a mess - a real stinker in the pinker. He just wanted to celebrate the brutal relocation of Native Americans from their homes that were being settled by European pilgrims with some dead birds and corn dildos, but he had heckled it all up when the penis got wild. Even when he offered to clean up the mess, he wound up devouring everything on the floor as well as a generous chunk of Deidara's leg. In turn, the bitter artist was bedridden for 9 months with a fever. The holiday was in ruins and Zetsu couldn't feel any worse.

Scratching his neck leaves thoughtfully, he came up with a plan. "So no Thanksgiving this year, huh?"

Konan nodded, helping Pain onto her back for his routine 3 o'clock piggyback sesh.

Looking around, Zetsu saw the teary eyed faces of young and hopeful sex engines in the Akatsuki. Hidan, drawing dicks on Kakuzu's face, was so emotionally wrecked that he couldn't stop giggling. Deidara's disappointment was as clear as his unusually powerful boner, but not nearly as strong as Sasori's. The redheaded barbie doll was perched on the fireplace mantle, wrapped in the kinky lingerie Deidara had dressed him in earlier that morning. Sasori's hundred mile stare and permanent kawaii smile said it all: he was overwhelmed with sadness. Why, even Kisame was moaning in misery at the thought of missing Thanksgiving as Itachi twisted the shark man's nips with his typical stoic expression.

Zetsu was supposed to be their god; the plant that freed them from heteronormativity. The plant that freed them from their flaccid willies. The plant that taught them how to experience euphoria. He was their ultimate redemption, yet he was also the reason they were missing out on dead bird dinner.

"No," he finally said with his deep vocals. The very same vocals that once deep throated the whole Washington memorial for fun. "I'm going to save Christmas."

Eyebrows flew up into their hairlines and jaws dropped to their crotches as every Akatsuki member (excluding the decompositioning Kakuzu) looked upon Zetsu with teary, joyful eyes. Konan gasped and dropped Pain accidentally. His ass bruised immediately and he wailed and pulled at her cloak but she didn't listen. "You...You're going to _save Thanksgiving?!_ "

"The fuck did I just say bitch. Who the fuck cares about Thanksgiving, I said I was going to save Christmas. What do you think this is, a Hallmark special? I'm ripped as fuck but I'm not that ripped, get your own god damn cranberry sauce you mooching asshats talkin' like you didn't savor every fucking second of my massive erection like bitch? do you even know how erections work? did you even read the shitting speech i gave in the last fucking chapter? lemme educate you, you papercut fuck- **it's a god damn fucking miracle for someone to hold an erection for over a year.** I'm your fucking god, your overlord, and the one thing keeping you homos together - the fucking glue in this weak ass orgy sesh, ok and you blame _me_ for your boner apathy like fuck no i don't need any of this shit i'm plant fucking jesus i am the reason tiddys get stiffy and the source of your orgasmic dreams, fucker, i own this fuckin universe with just the tip alone, don't you ever fucking question my ability to provide pleasure again just slather me in cranberry sauce and call it a fucking holiday. get the fuck out of my face you tree killing snart"

Silence filled the halls. Quietly, Tobi picked his wedgie and rose his hand as slowly as possible. "I-uh...I'd enjoy some cranberry-slathered Zetsu-samallamahappyhanaka for Thanksgiving." After a few minutes, he put his hand down and cleared his throat awkwardly.

"…"

"….."

"…."

"…."

"Hey fuckers the show's back on." Kisame shouted, and repositioned himself into Itachi's lap. Everyone nodded and gave sounds of affirmation as they piled onto the couch, getting cozy. Hidan dragged his partner's corpse back to the beanbag chair and used it to hold his snacks and Tobi snuggled into the couch with Zetsu, resting his feet on the Sasuke coffee table.

"You know…" Tobi sighed happily, "I think this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever."

" _So here's the kitchen, decked out with all the fixings of badass. Over here's the dust pile where I spice up my sick meats - mostly fish, aheha- and over here's typically where I pop a squat and nom on some trout." Kisame continued to guide the camera man around the hole, explaining every pimped out detail. It took only 30 seconds for him to finish. The rest of the programmed hour was just footage of the shark man eating a sandwich._

"You know what," Zetsu sighed contently. "I think you're right, Tobi my mortal sex toy."


	4. Zetsu Goes Hollywood

The car door slammed harder than Zetsu's weenie. Glass shattered crudely, falling to the ground with small tinkling noises of despair. "Love muffin," Sasori the puppet hoarsely cried, scurrying to exit the car and follow his blonde boy toy. "Please, let's just talk about this!"

"There's nothing to talk about, my man." Wind groped at Deidara's rosy cheeks, tears swelling beneath his large blue eyes as he looked out into the sunset. He refused to look at his snuggle puppet, not now...not with the circumstances. "There's just...nothing to say. Hnng."

Sasori blinked back nonexistant tears, as his tear ducts were currently in the shop. Waves smashed against the rocks beneath the towering cliff, hissing and curling backwards into the sparkling sea. The sun danced wildly against the otherwise peaceful ocean surface, as well as against Deidara's angelic presence. He was beautiful, Sasori thought. Beautiful, and in pain.

They stood in silence. Sasori spent the moments taking in every detail of the explosive terrorist's fine ass, Deidara spent the time in thought. Neither dared break the tension, at least not until Deidara finally turned around.

His cloak barely covered the throbbing boner daring to tear through his Abercrombie and Fitch designer skinny jeans and his eyes were swollen from each tear he had shed. Just below the hem of the hot pants, a grotesque bite scar stood out with vibrant blue and green shades. It looked really bad, like he seriously should go and see a doctor holy shit. "You know," he said softly, cracking a faint smile over his plush lips. "I guess it was unavoidable."

Sasori choked on a sob, forcing himself to remain where he stood rather than embrace the tall hunkie chunk in front of him. "Deidara…?" He returned the smile, now shirtless and somehow moist.

"Sex machine..." He took a step forward with a slight limp, preparing to engulf Sasori's mouth with his own. This time Sasori didn't hold back - he had been limiting his passion for years, there was no longer a desire to wait. He jolted forward, arms outstretched. Yards became feet, feet became inches, they were so close to climax -

"HEY FUCKERS!" Hidan fell from the sky, using Kakuzu's hide as a parachute from whatever heights he had leaped from. Kakuzu, fortunately, had sewn 100 dollar bills under his armpits to form a sort of flying-squirrel like skin flap out of money, thus making his carcass a remarkable form of skydiving gear. With an unfortunate miscalculation, however, Hidan's legs crashed into Deidara's figure and sent the blonde male model flying off the side of the cliff. Sasori screamed, running to catch his lover's hand in time.

"My...My man…!" Deidara stammered, holding on tightly to Sasori's gross artificial flesh.

"Just hang on, Deidarling! I won't let anything happen to you!" Sasori cried. His arm socket popped suddenly, warning them both of the inevitable. Time was of the essence now, as Sasori was a very poorly made boy.

"No...No you have to let me go...Your arm cost like $15, that's so inconvenient to replace!"

"I...I can't! Deidara, I'll never let go!" Sasori's voice cracked under the pressure.

Deidara's face softened, "It'll be okay, my little dick man. You just have to remember me, alright? Remember the best parts of me."

"Your...your hands are so large. L-like," Sasori choked back a sob, trying to recall his favorite bits of his terrorist bf. "Like so unnaturally huge."

Deidara cracked a smile, "all the better to fist you with, my man." And with that, he let go. He released Sasori's nasty fake hand skin and allowed himself to fall. His boner flapped against the wind silently, his hair encased his soft face like a tomb, and he fell. Sasori screamed, reaching out to grab him again, but it was too late. Deidara's body crashed into the rocky shore below and he was gone.

"Well fuck," Hidan coughed, leaning over just enough to peek beyond the cliff edge. He had discarded the Kakuzu chute and dusted off his booty shorts. "Shit balls man, I'm sorry about that. Hey do you have 20 hot bucks I could bum off ya? I'd rip it from Kakuzu's smelly asscrack but that shitfuck's only carryin' hundreds and it's so fuckin tedious goin and exchanging that shit you know what I mean? Like FUCK man, just CARRY A FUCKING FIVE DOLLAR BILL ONCE IN YOUR LIFE YOU CHEAP ASS BITCH!"

Sasori picked himself up off the ground, wiping some pebbles and dirt from his bare pecks. "Yeah I think I got some cash in the car," he shrugged and led Hidan back to the Sedan. "What do you need it for?"

"THE MCRIB IS FUCKING BACK!"

Back at the hot hideout, the gang dug into their McMeals vigorously. Konan fed Pein carefully in his high chair, Kisame slapped 3 raw salmons on top of his sandwich as Itachi spoonfed mashed potatoes to a portrait of Sasuke (may he rest in peace), and Hidan stood in the center of the table doing erotic yoga poses for Jashin to bless the meal as Kakuzu read the receipt angrily. As Tobi gingerly removed the meat byproducts from Zetsu's sandwiches, per the plant man's request, Deidara cleared his sexy throat.

"Now as you all know," he said as smoothly as a cucumber ground up in an X-Lax fetish dream. "I died earlier today."

"LITERALLY NO ONE WAS AT FAULT." Hidan yodeled as he crouched down over Konan's meal like a crab.

"Debateable," Deidara winked, "but there's no room for blame on this love train. However that doesn't resolve the big issue, the big wang dang looming over this gang: who are we going to use to replace this hot, explosive personality?"

Sasori shook his head thoughtfully, "Big shoes to fill, big big shoes. Also a penis. Your penis is very large and admirable, that's gonna be a tricky thing to fill too. Unlike my ass, which-"

"YOU KNOW, LITERALLY EVERY CONVERSATION WITH YOU FUCKING NOOBS REMINDS ME THAT HANGING OUT WITH OLD, CRUSTY ASS PLEBS LIKE YOU LOSERS IS LITERALLY AS FULFILLING AS GETTING PINCHED ON THE CHEEK BY A HOT BABE AND GETTING CALLED "BABY BROTHER" LIKE WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO GET FRIENDZONED LIKE THAT? NO ONE! AND NO ONE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU WEIRDOS! KONAN, LET'S BLOW THIS FUCKING POPSICLE STAND AND MAKEOUT IN FRONT OF THE NERDS IN MY CLASS."'

Grabbing ahold of Konan's hand much like a small child would his mother's, Pain squirmed his way out of his high chair and stomped out of the dining room. The silence that followed their exit was heavy as everyone in the Akatsuki looked at one another with dangerous concern. _Were they… losers?_ Just before Kisame could start crying, Deidara cleared his throat once more.

"On to more important things: me." His grin returned and he flipped his greasy bangs out of his face. He hadn't washed his hair in 3 months so it sort of clumped together like a disgusting blonde turd and slapped Sasori in the face as it flew through the air. Sasori gagged at the horrendous stench, some of the dandruff got into his mouth. _Oh no,_ he thought, _I can't shit that out later o-Oh no…!_ _It'll be inside of me forever!_ The puppet boy silently excused himself from the room to cry in private.

"I've decided," continued Deidara, "to hold a beauty pageant to determine my replacement. You're all welcome to join of course but just know," he paused while handing out the pageant flyers, "I'm one strict judge."

Hidan finished his ritual dance and hopped off the table to grab a pamphlet. He scratched his head curiously as he read the scribbles on the page. They were indecipherable, clearly it was written by Deidara's mouth hand. Drool oozed from the soaked paper and dribbled onto Hidan's fingers. The pottymouth pope grimaced, he would not be jacking his rod with that hand tonight.

From what _could_ be read, however, the flyer said:

SEXY? BLONDE? WILLING TO WEAR WIG? OK WITH LIGHT BONDAGE? INDIFFERENT TO THE MONA LISA? SORT OF SEXIST? YOU MIGHT BE A GOOD DEIDARA REPLACEMENT! COME ON DOWN TO THE SUPER SECRET AKATSUKI HIDEOUT (address listed below) AND SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!

"Oh shit-" Hidan's face lit up, "I match ALL of these fucking requirements dude I'm totally the next motherfucking wood sucking piece of shit for this club! Sign me the fuck up-"

"HEY ASSHOLE," a sharp voice barked at the disgusting half naked cultist. "No cutting, the line's back there!"

Hidan looked up to see a massive line that had somehow formed within seconds. It led all the way out of the hideout's front door and down the street. An entire news crew had flown in and were stationed just outside, broadcasting footage of the crowd that had gathered to "show Deidara what they got." Contestants with emotional stories were being interviewed, sponsors were cashing in on the exposure millions of dollars at a time, and Simon fucking Cowell shoved past everyone to take his place at the judge's table.

At the front of the line, a small ginger child's squeaky voice reflected off of a mic being held to his face by a moderately attractive reporter. "I'm not here to make friends," Pain squeaked. "I'm here to WIN." He tossed Konan a harsh glance from across the line. She returned the glare with full force. This competition had torn them apart.

Suddenly the doors to Deidara's bedroom swung open and the bodacious blonde himself strut inside. His skinny jeans were now so tight that his boner had to literally tear a hole through the crotch just to breathe and his designer graphic tee said "Bazinga." Around his neck sat one of those scene ass scarves you find at Claire's or Hot Topic or some shit. Pulling down his Gucci shades just enough to peak over the top, Deidara popped out his hip and clicked his tongue. "Let's get started."

After a number of contestants and a short commercial break to advertise the new Sasori blow up doll line, a familiar face waddled into the audition hall.

"Oh," Deidara grinned, and leaned forward in his seat. "Kisame I had no idea you were such a fan of my work, I'm actually flattered that you would-"

Suddenly the massive shark man crouched and allowed Samehada to crawl out of his ass. It was wearing a stringy blonde wig and had somehow managed to spawn mangled arms with slobbering hands on the ends of their stubs out of its body. The sword beast shrieked wildly and flopped on the floor, thrashing in every direction and shattering the stage lights and the glass holding Simon fucking Cowell's apple juice.

"BY THE BUNS OF BEYONCE-" Deidara screamed like a small child and jumped back out of his seat. His exposed boner jiggled madly at the sudden reaction and slapped Simon in the face. Simon, who was already emotionally distraught from losing his juice, was thrown out of his chair and onto the floor. Unfortunately, he landed in the middle of Samehada's war path and ended up getting absorbed by it's gaping mouth. After the agonizing screams that radiated from the angry British man finally ceased and Samehada's rage had been soothed, the now dark room went quiet. At least, aside from the slow applause coming from Kisame's massive bara hands. Tears were streaming down the sharkie's face as he hollered and cheered for his overgrown chakra monster.

"Encore!" He shouted, "Gimme an encore baby!"

Deidara immediately jumped, "N-no there's no time please… Please leave for the love of fucking christ oh my GOD," at this, Samehada scuttled back into Kisame's tight blue buns. A small hiss echoed out of his asshole.

"Hoo, boy geez I can already tell you who _I'm_ voting for!" Kisame laughed and exited the stage.

Before he was fully gone, however, a small noise pooted behind him. It was faint, but it was loud enough that Deidara could make out the small words. Just five little words that left the stage like a ghost whispering in the blonde boy's ear. A haunting voice that said…

" _It's a no from me."_

Once the lights were replaced and the now singular judge took his seat, the next contestant strode into the room with gleaming confidence.

"Name?" Deidara asked with a faint smile. He was admiring the gleaming midriff that reflected the lights like a disco ball. Too distracted by the pale beauty's core, Deidara failed to notice that the enticingly hot bod belonged to none other than the third Hokage.

"You can go ahead and call me... _Pappy._ " The third Hokage blew a kiss in Deidara's direction. He sensually readjusted his sequined tube top to show more cleavage. This guy...he had it all. The balding grey hair, the saggy breasts, the piss poor parenting skills...It was clear that Deidara had struck gold.

"Pappy…" Deidara repeated, allowing his grin to expand since his schlong couldn't get any larger than it already was. "I just have a few questions for you, Pappy. First, what is your definition of art?"

The third Hokage twirled a finger in his wiry dead hair, pondering the inquiry carefully. "Oh, well, I suppose to me art is," he paused, winking at the judge. "A pod of one million snakes tied in a neat little bow around Itachi Uchiha's naked body all singing Hollaback Girl."

Deidara furrowed his brow curiously, "I'm sorry could you repeat that?"

"O-Oh, I mean...Art is a _bang._ " The third Hokage stuttered, shifting his weight nervously. Suddenly the doors slammed open and a squad of small black op ninja crammed their way inside.

"Stand back!" They yelled and pointed at the hot pappy on the stage, "that's no Hokage! That's Orochimaru!"

Orochimaru hissed wildly and scampered up the wall with loud ticking sounds, "CURSSSSE YOU HIDDEN LEAF! I'LL GET THAT UCHIHA NEXT TIME! MARK MY WORDSSSSss" His hissing faded as he hurried down the ventilation shaft and into the unknown.

Deidara's face dropped. He really thought he had caught a winner there for a second… Ever since Sasori had left to pursue his sex toy brand line, Deidara's sex life was at an all time low. Darn.

Several thousands of contestants passed as the days flew by like a horribly crafted clay bird. People waited for hours to prove their worth, to show that they had what it takes to be the sexiest blonde sass master with a large schlong and a tendency to cry at constructive criticism. They bled their souls out on that stage, _begging_ the blonde beauty before them to recognize that they have felt his pain, they have lived his turmoil, and they _know_ his essence. They screamed "I am your protege, I can fill your pants and shoes, I will make you proud." But, with every audition, Deidara lost a little more hope. No one could satisfy him. No one loomed quite as large and as handsomely. No one...could fill his place among the Akatsuki.

It was down to the last audition. The babe magnet was anxious that this contestant would be just as disappointing as the rest and he steeled himself against that possibility. _Be ready to fail in your search, my man._ He thought, _it's ok that you're too good to replace._

The doors opened and the contestant walked inside. Deidara's eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat. This person...this wonderful, gorgeous human being- no, this _god_ was the one he had been searching for. "You…" he whispered with disbelief, "What is your name, beautiful stranger?"

"It's me," the man smiled with a deep voice that was smoother than Zetsu's asshole. "Deidara."

It was then the artist realized he was staring at his own reflection. No, more than that, he was staring at his _clone._ The flowing golden locks that draped around this gorgeous man's shoulders twirled in the air as the look-alike tossed his head; he was straight out of a Loreal commercial. He was worth it.

"But...how?" Deidara asked himself, taking in every beautiful detail and realizing his arousal was off the charts. "How can this be?"

The clone ran a mouth hand through his hair, leaving behind a streak of hand saliva along the side of his head. He slowly and gracefully began to walk towards the judge's table, leaning over to pull Deidara in for a sensual kiss. Just before their trembling, plush lips met, he whispered. "Wake up fucknuts..."

"Wh-what?" Deidara asked, pulling away.

"You're in a fucking coma dumbass wake the fuck up before I cram my whole entire foot up your ass and pull out your anus to use as a fucking prolapsed drum."

A white light suddenly smacked Deidara in the face as his eyes flew open. The stage dissolved into blinding blank walls and a soft beeping echoed in his ears. Looking around madly, Deidara saw that he was in a hospital bed surrounded by his good sexy chums. "Where...Oh my…" He gasped, taking in every face with confusion.

"OH THANK FUCKIN JASHIN I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD FOR SURE!" Hidan screamed and slammed his fists into Deidara's chest, making him gasp for air and choke up copious amounts of mystery fluids. "HOO MAN I CAN _NOT_ GO THE FUCK BACK TO PRISON HAHA I WAS WORRIED FOR A SECOND THERE!"

"God he's fine can we go home now it's almost my bedtime and I wanna snipe some fucking n00bs before I catch those Z's" Pain whined, sitting at the foot of Deidara's bed and wearing nothing but a diaper.

Deidara stammered, "B-but wait, I...I can't have been in a coma...It was all so real, I don't understand!"

Sliding past the wall of Akatsuki hunkies and stradling Deidara's crotch, Tobi began to explain everything. "Deidoodoo-chan, see, you've been in a coma for the past 6 months. You were thrown off of a big ol' cliff there bucko, and you bumped your head pretty hard-"

"ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IS TO BLAME" Hidan screamed from outside the window. He was already making his escape before Deidara could press charges. Unfortunately, they were on the 67th floor so he immediately fell to his death. No one noticed.

"Righto sensai-kun, and while normally the doctors could have patched you up all fine and dandy there," Tobi continued with his deep and intimidating tone, "It turns out you had caught a good ol' case of the mysterious contagion that has yet to be identified. You went straight into a coma the second they introduced antibiotics into your bloodstream, if you'd believe it - the darnedest thing."

Deidara gasped, "What- what's this about a mysterious contagion?"

"You see," Zetsu rose from the floor beneath the bed and fused with Deidara's lower body. The blonde boy screamed in agony and surprise as the plant man literally stood up _through_ him and appeared from absolutely nowhere. His organs were shifted by the sudden introduction of a foreign object melding with his torso and his heart monitor went wild. The beeping was so obnoxious, it was clear that Deidara was going into shock. Nurses ran down the hall at top speed to recover their patient, but somehow the door to Deidara's room had been locked. They pounded on it aggressively, trying to break in and recover the crashing boy inside, but the damn thing wouldn't budge. Doctors and medical staff slammed their whole bodies into its wooden frame and hinges, making every attempt to break the door down, but nothing worked. Suddenly the loud beeping stopped and a flatline tone escaped from behind the barrier. He was gone. The doctor on staff called it, time of death 19:36.

"If you'll recall last Thanksgiving," Zetsu continued, "A lot of things happened… A lot of things that I, personally, am not proud of." He let his eyes scan the solemn faces in the room. Their forgiveness was not yet ripe. "Among those things, I apparently bit you. And not in the good sexy way or anything...but in the nonconsensual bad way."

Itachi, who had been sitting in the corner silently with Kisame on his lap, spoke up. "We believe Zetsu's bite may have transferred some sort of toxin into your system."

"Yeah like, that massive boner you've been strutting is way too fucking random to be natural." Kisame scoffed. "Like at first we thought you were just trying to copy Zetsu or something so we all thought you were a punk ass bitch loser or whatever and we would make fun of you behind your back and talk about how gross your leg was getting and stuff, but it turns out the plant man here might have given you the schlong flu! Crazy right?"

Deidara swallowed silently, taking in everything that was being said. Could it be true? Could his massive erection be nothing more than a symptom of his gross infected leg bite? "I can't… believe it…" he whispered.

"Believe it, Deidara." Zetsu crawled up and coddled Deidara's head. He began to softly stroke his hair before leaning in uncomfortably close and whispering, "We're boner brothers now."

Deidara passed away from an untreated leg infection two weeks later.


End file.
